I Hurt
by Werewolf of Fire
Summary: Severus feels the pain when he sees Remus again... [slash, oneshot]


**Disclaimer: **Don't own or make money off Harry Potter…

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**I Hurt**

We'd met on the train, at the start of our first year. I was shy and you were less than confident. We'd talked quietly, introducing ourselves as Severus Snape and Remus Lupin, and before we knew it we were pulling the station at Hogwarts, both of us as scared and jittery as the next person.

You seemed out of place in the crowd; as if it was the first time you'd ever seen a crowd that big. You held my wrist and pulled me along as we climbed in the boats, and we gazed around chattering to each other excitedly, asking each other questions we knew the other couldn't answer.

The Sorting Hat had made us nervous as soon as we saw it and you were called before me. You were put in Gryffindor, after a while of sitting on the stool. I'd been put in Slytherin a while after that.

We grew distant, after we noticed that both our housemates seemed to disapprove of our friendship. We rarely shared a glance after that.

I excelled in Potions, while you in the Defense Against the Dark Arts. We seemed to tie in nearly everything else, hardly ever coming top of the year, but close to it. That was the extent of our interaction.

Until third year, when your friends seemed to notice I actually existed. They played pranks that were humiliating and left me either flushed with anger or embarrassment, or both. I'd had pitch black hair dyed yellow at one point.

You stood back and watched, turning a blind eye. I remember that I sometimes wished you'd save me from them, but soon the animosity wasn't only directed from the 'Marauders'. I began to prank you all back, and as I'd heard Black mutter one day, "Conveniently forgot about hexing you."

They'd noticed my ignorance of your existence, just as you were of mine. But they took it the wrong way. Eventually I'd heard a rumor (that I had no doubt your friends had started) that they thought I was gay.

At the time I was appalled and told Black and Potter so. You weren't there thank goodness. But when I started to curse and splutter at their accusation, in the Slytherin common room that night, I realized that liking you in that way didn't seem that bad.

You were good looking, quiet, intelligent (though your choice in friends left a lot to be desired), you were kind… The list I'd started could have gone on forever. But I'd soon forgotten about it, as I started my homework and was taken away by the history behind Hogwarts.

The rumor died down quick enough.

It wasn't until fifth year that it seemed to come back. You'd run into me as you ran up the stairs to the library. I was scrawny, and had been knocked to the ground painfully because of our collision. As I rubbed my forehead, you'd apologized and as I stared up at you, you held out a hand.

Without thinking I'd taken it and you pulled me up. You seemed to have misjudged my weight and I'd nearly tripped and landed on top of you as I stood.

My eyes darted about the corridor's length and you stared at me with confusion as I did so. "Where are Potter and Black?" I'd asked.

You seemed a little put off, but told me that they were back in your house common room. I eyed you suspiciously as we gathered our papers and parchments thanking each other quietly after we had. We walked off in opposite directions.

When I'd sat down to read through a transfiguration book, searching hurriedly through my notes beforehand, I was surprised to find a folded piece of parchment. I'd opened it curiously, cautiously and read through the note.

_Meet me in the trophy room at 11 o'clock?_

It wasn't hard to realize it was you. I knew what your handwriting looked like.

Against my better judgment I snuck out of the dungeons later that night, wearing a pair of loose fitting pants and a jumper. I had my normal school shoes on.

It was lucky that Filch was off sick that night, because you'd tripped on your way into the room. You'd cursed quietly, and didn't seem to notice me as you slid behind a stone statue.

"Severus?"

"What?"

You jumped and turned to me, a hand on your rapidly rising and falling chest. "Don't do that to me!"

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head in a tired, exasperated way, "What do you what Lupin?" I asked eyes turning towards you, though my body was still facing the door.

You cleared your throat, "Well, you see… Uhm…" I watched with amusement, but it soon got old and I called for your attention, practically ordering you to take control of your tongue and create actual sentences. You stopped. "Sorry, but…"

You grabbed my hand, dragging us further into the darkness of the room. I heard you whisper a charm and your wand lit up. You were still holding my hand.

"What is it Lupin? Spit it out already!"

Your eyes were cast shyly to the wall as you released my hand. "Well… Severus." You paused before stuttering out a remark, "I was – I mean I..." You took a breath, and I my brain mumbled something about you and Gryffindor dramatics, "I like you."

I stiffened and had taken to staring at you with wide eyes. "What?" I managed. To put it mildly I was surprised, because after four and a bit years of pretending the other didn't exist, you dropped this on me. Me? Severus Snape, the greasy git, the person you'd stopped talking to because your friends believed me to be another slimy Slytherin.

You smiled sadly, "I like you: as more than a friend and in a different way to a family member. I would like it if we could spend some time together," You faltered, "It wouldn't have to be out in public, I know James and Sirius can be prats…" I snorted, and you stuffed your hands in your pockets.

My first reaction was to deny you as bluntly and as painfully as possible. I may ignore your presence, but I wasn't about to forget that you had let your friends prank me day in and day out mercilessly. You could have at least warned me. But I held my tongue, letting you stew in your worry.

You were still the Lupin (I had realized) I liked from third year, maybe earlier than that, maybe second year. Why not? I'd asked myself. If anything went wrong it would give me a reason to hex you and I wouldn't hesitate if you hurt me. If I was lucky Potter and Black would stop the 'innocent' gay jokes they cracked during lunch.

"Alright, I'll meet you in the library after dinner, before bed?" I'd answered, and I saw a look of relief pass over your face.

You'd nodded and as we were leaving looked sheepish again. I'd raised an eyebrow in question, and you smiled slightly, "You wouldn't mind if I…" You blushed, I could tell from the moonlight, and pointed to my face. I blinked but nodded and you leant forward and pecked my cheek. You then jogged off, waving back at me before disappearing around a corner.

Our time together seemed to go too fast, and soon we were meeting after practically every meal and going to Hogsmeade every second Saturday. You claimed that the other 'Marauders' were suspicious, I had no doubts on that and let you go. I spent my time studying.

The only thing that had me nervous and slightly curious was your two days a month when you'd disappear. I'd asked you about it and you claimed that you had a job that needed your time every month. You'd shushed me when I was going to ask what it was. And I never attempted to ask you again. I sensed it was a touchy subject, but I kept a hold of it. Just in case.

Soon it was December and you were staying home for Christmas. Sirius had offered to stay with you, but you'd refused him. I was glad of that. To my relief I was the only Slytherin staying that year, surprising as it were. There were usually the few odd balls of the year. Much like me in some ways, I'd noted over the years.

You and I spent the first few days of the holidays out in the snow and hidden away in the library, talking in hushed voices away from our teachers' prying eyes. They also seemed suspicious. I ignored them.

It wasn't until the fifth day that you'd asked, "Can I kiss you?"

"You already do."

"No, I mean, on your mouth?" I stared for a long while and just as you were about to rebuke your question, I nodded. You smiled and leant down slowly, eyes closed.

It wasn't the best kiss, well, not at first, but we'd soon got the hang of it and you soon found your way around my nose as you shifted to kiss me harder. Our kisses only lasted a few seconds each time. It wouldn't be until a few days later when our tongues decided they wanted a turn at being used. I recall those kisses fondly.

I suppose we should have been more aware of our surroundings. It was the day the other students returned after all. But we were by the lake, sitting on a blanket you'd dragged down from your dorm, amusing ourselves when they came.

We had been talking about a novel we'd read together and finished the afternoon before and you'd bent down to kiss me. I'd smirked and allowed you, but we'd quickly broke apart when we heard several gasps and an angry yell.

"What are you doing to Remus?" Black it seemed had no sense of secrecy and soon Potter and Pettigrew were peering through some bushes before pushing their way through. I was thankful the rest of the student body weren't there.

"No Sirius," You'd reasoned, moving in front of me, "He's done nothing wrong."

Black glared heatedly, still yelling, "But it's _Snivellus_! How can you stand the thought of being near him let alone kissing him." Potter sounded his agreement, Pettigrew too.

It had ended in tears. For Black and his group anyway, except you of course, you were standing by me proudly, leading me back to the castle, arm in arm. We'd dropped them as we neared the other students.

I have to admit the few months after Christmas had been the best few of my life, as we met everyday and everything felt perfect.

Then our OWLs started. We studied together, I helped you with potions and you helped me with transfiguration and we helped each other with everything else, though our History of Magic studies turned into heated debates on what happened and why we thought it did. We managed to refrain ourselves from being overly affectionate, and I managed to pass with an O in every subject. You'd done the same judging from the letter you'd sent me during the summer holidays.

Your friends had forgiven you properly when we returned for sixth year, only going silent when I entered the room. Everything was better than the year before.

Our first intimate moment happened in October, and just like our first kiss, it was awkward and clumsy. But we made up for it. And afterwards I was more than happy to lay tucked against you or sit with and cuddle for a while, before we grudgingly pulled on our robes and returned to our school work.

But everything changed.

To my shock Black had asked that I'd meet you down in the Shrieking Shack that night. I'd agreed after an edgy conversation that included threats from both of us.

I wish I'd never gone, wished that my suspicions of Black had been acted upon and I'd gone to ask you. I was lucky that Potter at least had enough heart to save me as I was nearly torn into pieces by you.

I was torn. I hadn't known it was you at the time. I was shivering, trembling from the fright as I was taken to the headmaster's office. All I saw was yellow, sharp teeth, covered in drool as your growled and raised a claw. Your eyes scared me the most though. I had recognized them as yours, as soon as I'd calmed down.

Dumbledore had punished Sirius, giving him numerous detentions, but I didn't want that. I wanted him expelled, both you and him. You because you'd wanted to kill me – you were a werewolf for Merlin's sake! - and Black because he didn't have enough brains to realize just what he'd been doing. I'd also hated Potter more so than ever after the incident. I now owed him a wizarding debt.

The remainder of that year and the year after was spent with you trying to talk to me, while I ignored you and spat insults at you. On many a night I wished that I could forgive you, but nothing ever happened and the ache I felt in my chest was soon choking me every time I saw you.

I sit and watch as you take your seat at the staff table, you're the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. After glancing over everyone at the table, your eyes eventually land on me and I raise my chin slightly and give out my ideas on the Potions curriculum for that year, ignoring you.

When I arrive in my quarters I collapse on the bed.

After three years of forcing myself to forget you, you'd come back and they'd appeared, leaving me with a painful ache in my chest again.

Then, just like many times before, during my seventh year, that I wished you'd never kissed me. Not the first, second, third or anytime after that. Not on the cheek, lips or anywhere else. Because, after one hour in your presence, after suppressing so many of my memories about you, after years of wishing I'd never met you in that Trophy room…

I hurt.

And I was not going to forgive you.

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**Fire: **This was done really quickly and I've only read through it once… It was done rather randomly too…

And yes, I know I missed the Penseive memory… I never stick to the books though…

Anyway… Review please? I still like ideas and suggestions...


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